Getting Lost On The Road Of Life

Joon chastised me for not updating more, so here we are.

Oh, also, I saw Joon the other day, along with Nathan, who was in town for Anime Expo. Great to see that guy again, he plays a mean game of Street Fighter, as does Joon. We threw down on that game for a couple hours then Joon was gracious enough to take us out to BJ’s, where more catching up was done. Apparently Nathan has been through some stuff since last we met. Still seems like the same guy mostly, I mean if he’s coming out here for AX he’s got to be. Good times.

Aside from that, not much else to report on. There was the LA drive (which apparently opened a whole can of worms I won’t get into), the 4th of July party which was great, and that’s it.

I am a pretty paranoid person most of the time. Whenever I feel an ache in my body, I instantly wonder if that part is breaking down and I will be forced to go to a hospital where I will either die or be made to incure ridiculous fees I can’t possibly afford in my lifetime (I’m not sure which is worse). Whenever I am required to leave the safety of my room and venture outside, I worry what people think of me. It can’t be favorable, and I realize this, and rationally, I am okay with it. But there is just some deep-seated fear there I cannot describe. It’s the same fear that keeps me from answering the phone. My mom has challenged me, asking what am I afraid of. That they will yell at me and call me stupid? Perhaps that is it. I think some of it is fear of rejection, and fear of ridicule. Even amongst friends, I worry that they merely only tolerate me for reasons I cannot decipher. I am doing them a disservice by feeling this way, but it is overwhelming to me. Some of them are extremely intimidating to me through no action of their own, and being near them sends a chill down my spine. I find this gets worse as time goes on and on, as the gap between their adulthood and my…lack thereof grows wider and wider. I am still a child, they are adults, and I am at a severe disadvantage. It is getting harder and harder to cope with. I write this both to ease some tension in my mind at present, and also as a chronicle of my mental state. I hope one day I can look back on this and laugh. I’m not sure it will happen though.

Seems like a good night for updating.

Recently I have been seeing a lot more of the Lloyd Clan, a trend which I hope continues. I enjoy their company immensely. We saw Iron Man 2 with Remy and Cory and it was good times. A fine film, although perhaps a bit light on the action for my tastes, but what was there was solid. I also went to see Kelly on Mother’s Day, and as thanks for delivering unto her one of my mother’s famed Jell-O cakes I was invited along to dinner at Marie Callendar’s of all places. I also got to meet their (to me) new roomie Miles who is a respectable chap, plays a mean game of Blazblue. Of course, as soon as I’m getting used to him they rope in another. I don’t know where they’re finding these people (well, yes, the internet, but you know what I mean) but they seem of healthy stock, loyal and true. Hopefully it won’t take me three months to meet the new new guy.

The past weeks I have been looking into ways to stream and capture video from my 360 for recording purposes. At first, the thought occured to me, why bother? But then I thought, why does another bother? Because. I would basically like to just have a channel where people can watch me do my thing if they like. Also I would like to put up things like the SSF4 matches Garrett and I had on the web. It just seems like it would be fun and cool. It would seem that most setups like these require a television for one to play one while they capture, which I lack. I do not have a TV capable of hooking up any modern systems (no red/yellow/white inputs) nor do I possess the capturing technology, naturally. There is a very, very cheap USB capturing device on Amazon that would basically be perfect for my desires but it seems silly to get it when I can do nothing with it. Also I’d apparently need to get a bunch of splitters or something. Really the whole thing is kind of a headache now that I think about it. Still, something to consider for the future.

This next topic is going to be really gross, so, fair warning. We’re going to be talking about weird stuff…butt stuff. Don’t worry, that link is fine. Anyways, a couple weeks back I was noticing blood in the toilet whenever I would defecate. There was no pain during the act, just blood. Now nothing scares me more than blood where there shouldn’t be, and me being without any sort of insurance any kind of illness or injury sends me into panic mode. I am already a pretty physically messed up individual so at the very least I try not to deteriorate further. I did some searching around and found out I was afflicted with that most comedic of ailments, hemorrhoids. But (heh) not the usual ripe-for-Preparation-H jokes external hemorrhoids one might get around their anus. No, these were internal, which is why there was no pain, because there are no pain receptors in there. Essentially the blood vessels we all have inside our assholes had been strained from one too many large dumps, and so were bleeding whenever I had to go. There were…many ways to fix the problem. One was to increase fiber intake, which I did by nearly exclusively eating oatmeal and granola for several days. There were also medicinal paths to take, and this is when I was introduced to the wonderful world of suppositories. You see, for the longest time in our medicine cabinet there was inexplicably a box labeled “hemorrhoidal suppositories.” As far as I’d known, no one here had ever had them so I figured it was just an “in case” situation. Well, this was certainly one of those situations. Let me describe them to you: about an inch long, waxy, and bullet-shaped. I wasn’t looking forward to administering them but to my surprise it actually wasn’t that difficult. Take from that what you will. It’s not like I enjoyed it but it was fairly simple. Walking was a little weird afterwards. Eventually the problem cleared up (at least as far as I know) and I’m trying to be more careful about eating too much all at once to avoid too much strain. I’m not sure what compelled me to type all this up, as it’s fairly embarrassing. Maybe it’s just a way of being completely open about my life, and also trying to find things to type up here since my life is generally pretty dull. Who knows.

There is new music to the right. I’ve been thinking about taking each group of songs I put up and burning it to a CD, as a sort of memento, a note to my future self about what I was listening to at certain points in time. But then I remembered this can just as easily be accomplished in list form and when am I ever going to be in a situation when I’ll need to listen to a CD? Oh well.

My 25th birthday came and went without much fanfare this year, a welcome change from last year’s dramarama. If you read my last angst-ridden entry you would know I was not looking much forward to it, but when the day actually came I was happy to hear well-wishes from those I call dear. Those are the best gifts of all. Ser Remy saw fit to donate some of his valuable time to me, and for that I was thankful. We went to see the suitably-named Hot Tub Time Machine which was very enjoyable and contained some lovely boobs. I can’t remember the last time I had a party-ass party on my birthday. Perhaps those are now a relic, some contrived and egomaniacal occurrence to celebrate something I had no control over. I think I much prefer just hanging out with some dudes on that day, and indeed any day.

My sister and brother-in-law are in town for a few days, largely to be with their friends on that fabled day of 4/20 when two dicks did murder 13 people. Also I guess it has something to do with weed? I do not partake of the stuff despite previous pressuring from said sibling; it simply holds no allure for me. Perhaps I am square in this regard, but I do not mind it. Plus the stuff smells just awful from my experience. In any case, they have also brought their dog down with them, a friendly chap as most dogs are wont to be. The poor sucker managed to actually completely pull out one of his nails through some odd mishap. Maybe it’s a dog thing but when it happened one sharp howl cracked the air and then he was back to his usual tongue-waggling ways. It doesn’t seem to bother him much, indeed, the fact that his paw had to be wrapped to stop the bleeding seems to bother him more.

On the video game front, things are looking pretty active. Right now I am playing through the latest Splinter Cell and it reminds me more of the old Tenchu games than any previous Splinter Cell. This is to its credit, because I prefer my fast-paced murder to be encouraged rather than punished. Next week Super Street Fighter IV will drop and I’m hoping against hope that I will get to throw down with Remy and/or Garrett the day of or soon after. Seriously, I think it’s been about 3 months since I last saw Garrett and Chase, his bro? That’s not right. I miss those guys a lot, and still have yet to meet their new roomy.

Before I forget, Kick-Ass is probably the most aptly named film I’ve ever seen. It sets its goals right in the title and meets them admirably. I got nothing but respect for Roger Ebert but I think in this case it’s just him being an old man. Iron Man 2: Electric Boogaloo looms in the horizon and I look forward to seeing it with the maybe 2 people who read this.

Last Friday was the 15th anniversary of my father’s death. I don’t even know how to feel about it at this point. It was more than half my life ago and it’s hard to try and muster up anything new each time it rolls around. I still miss him. I still remember the good times, like watching the Long Beach Grand Prix with him from his office window, and him introducing me to the wonders of AOL. I still wonder where I would be today if he hadn’t died. I still wonder if I am following in his footsteps (eating myself to death) for some twisted reason I can’t even comprehend. Like it’s my duty or something.

My 25th birthday is in two weeks and I couldn’t care less. It is not something that should be celebrated.

New music, who gives a shit.

First things first: new music to your right. Enjoy.

Recently most of my time has been spent being enthralled by Mass Effect 2, which I feel is already safe to call game of the year. It is strong on nearly all fronts, from combat to story to character interaction. While I found a few of the story elements frustrating (Kaidan/Ashley’s involvement being the biggest offender) overall I am extremely satisfied with the game, having played it to completion twice already, with a third run in progress. I’m still finding great new bits squirreled away, like funny dances (spoilers, I guess) and straight-up industry trolling.

In my last update I talked about buying a new graphics card and hoping for the best. Unfortunately it hasn’t worked out. The first couple days I had it, I was getting random blue screens, and after that the computer started shutting down about every hour. It seems like a power issue to me. Though my supply matches the requirement the card asks for (400w) I guess you need even the slightest buffer for when the card is doing its thing. Without any recourse I guess I’ll return it and blow the money on some other wasteful endeavor. Man those were some pretty graphics though.

Finally, I’m pretty sure this is one of the signs of the apocalypse.

2010 has wasted no time pulling some crazy shit. I think the saddest thing about the Haiti situation is that there are fucks like this guy who say vile, inhuman bullshit like this and there are people who agree with him. Thousands have died and thousands more will die but they sure had it coming to them for something that happened over 200 years ago! If there is a hell I will see you there, sir.

As for the Conan thing, well, what more can be said? The guy got royally dicked over by the network he’s been loyal to for about as long as Leno. It blows my mind how Leno failed and is getting rewarded for it. Let’s not forget in all of this that the Jay Leno Show was the program that got canceled. Fuck you NBC, I will never watch your network again. I’ll be torrenting my episodes of Community from now on.

Thankfully there have been shining rays of light piercing through the murk: mainly some video games and a trip to the newly christened Lloydhalla, Stronghold of the Clan Lloyd. For three days there was feasting and music and feats of strength. I had been told beforehand that there would be a larger number of people attending, larger than I had seen in my previous trips, but I wasn’t quite prepared for the final number: 12 in all. I always feel awkward around new people but for the most part I did not feel judged. It was good to see faces that have been absent for some time. I usually have trouble getting to sleep in places that are not my house but I did okay at Lloydhalla; chalk it up to the comfy bed I was generously allocated. Next time I go though I think I’ll bring along some Tylenol PM or somesuch to ease things along.

I like my computer. Assembled deep in the technoforges by the denizens Lloydhaus and now Lloydhaus 2: The Rehausening, it has served me well. However, I began to notice more and more when playing newer games on it that it could not keep up, at least not without toning down the graphical fidelity significantly. The weak link is my video card, which is probably pretty dated by today’s standards. With my newly acquired Christmas ca$h, I have endeavored to upgrade to something more modern. This is when I discovered that graphics cards naming conventions are completely fucked. For instance, I have a Geforce 8500 GT. 8500′s a big number, right? Turns out it’s inferior to a 6800 Ultra or a 7600 GT, at least, according to this chart. I don’t know how they expert the casual consumer to make informed decisions about these things, although maybe the casual consumer is more inclined to buy a Dell for $1500 than build something themselves. In any case, a kind third party was able to point me to a Radeon 4670 for $80. For some reason I have always harbored a bias towards Nvidia and I’m not quite sure why. Perhaps years of absorbing internet discussions and seeing the Nvidia logo plastered on every game box and in every game intro led me to this, but it’s not like the games won’t work without those specific cards. Right? I guess I’ll find out on Wednesday.

It’s that time of year. That is, the end of it. Time to look back on 2009 and declare what the most enjoyable things were for no interesting reason beyond wanting to put up something new to read. Onward!

It was a pretty decent year for games all in all. Here’s what I enjoyed most:

1. Dragon Age: Origins
2. Assassin’s Creed 2
3. Left 4 Dead 2
4. Borderlands
5. The Beatles: Rock Band

Overall Dragon Age has sucked away the most of my abundant time. I still haven’t beaten it even after 30 hours. Really looking forward to next year (hell, next month) with gems like Bayonetta, Mass Effect 2, and Lost Planet 2.

Movies! Saw a lot of movies this year, I think pretty much all of them with my stalwart companion Remy. Good times.

1. Up
2. District 9
3. Avatar
4. Zombieland
5. Taken

Yes, Taken did technically come out in the US in 2009 so I’m counting it. All of these are fantastic movies. Up is easily one of the most heartfelt and amazing films I’ve ever seen.

I was going to do a music list but who cares about my tastes, they all suck anyways. There was a lot of it though, so…there’s that.

2009 was a year of progress mostly. Not my progress, but my sister moving upstate and going to school, my mom having her surgery and losing some weight, and some of my friends getting places to call their own. Personally, it is very frustrating to struggle with my phobias and be unable to let myself take steps forward while everyone around me is living their lives and doing well. This whole decade, for me, has largely been wanting to better myself, thinking about taking that first step, and ultimately resigning myself to my current fate yet again. I can’t guarantee 2010 will hold anything different for me. I don’t know where life will take me. But at least I know I will have the support of my family and friends no matter what.

A while back, my sister got a citation for driving an unregistered vehicle, my mom’s car. She then moved without taking care of it even though she said she had several times. About a month ago we got a letter saying if she did not pay off her fine of about $1500 her license would be revoked and she would be royally screwed. Since the citation was given down here, she had to come to a court down here to clear it all up, so that is just what she planned to do.

Being a 20-year-old with lots of friends remaining in her former city of residence, she also thought to make it into a fun trip and visit some friends while she was down here. She arrived last Wednesday, with plans to go to the courthouse on Thursday and leave Friday. Wednesday was spent catching up and seeing friends. On Thursday, my sister somehow came to the realization that she needed to be dressed formally for the courthouse so my mom got her a rather snappy looking pantsuit with matching shoes, but unfortunately this realization came so late in the day that the courthouse would have to wait until Friday rolls around.

Friday arrived, and they leave for the courthouse early. They return home shortly with the information that the judge will see her the next business day, which is Monday. My sister is quite annoyed by this, but my grandmother loses her fucking mind and demands my sister leave that day or find somewhere else to see. You see, though she is a sweet old lady, she is also grizzled as hell and knows how to hold a grudge, and I guess she’s never gotten over the hell my sister and her husband put us through those months they were living here. She accused my sister of “wasting gas and water” despite the fact that my sister hadn’t so much as showered since she got here and as for gas, uh…she didn’t use the oven either? That one baffles me, honestly, but I figure she just wanted her gone because she hasn’t (and probably never will) forgive her. If you recall, she acted in largely the same irrational fashion regarding my sister’s rats who remained here while my sister was sleeping in a motel. The rats made no noise, caused little mess, and were completely out of sight to her, yet she demanded them gone, because they were my sister’s.

All these accusations and demands put a lot of unnecessary stress on everyone and if you know anything about my sister you know she will argue with you until you want to jam a knife into your ears just to stop the noise. Eventually it reached a crescendo of screaming where I raised my voice beyond “shouting” and all the way to “I will murder you with my voice” levels which I think I’ve done maybe thrice before in my life. It had the intended effect of stopping the argument cold, and doing it made me quite shaken. I like to think I am (despite my many phobias) a mostly rational person, so losing my grip on cold, hard logic in favor of wild hollering abandon was terrifying. To continue to support my status as a complete nerd, I imagine it’s a similar feeling to giving into the Dark Side.

It is hard to see someone who you have admired and respected your entire life act in such a petty and spiteful manner. Maybe she has always been a bitter person and just hides it remarkably well. I can’t say for sure. She would continue to raise objections throughout my sister’s remaining time here, and it put a needless damper on everything. When Monday rolled around, my sister went to the court, got the fine (lowered to a far more reasonable level) paid, and didn’t look back. I suspect she won’t return for a very long time, my grandmother effectively banning her from this house. Make no mistake, how my sister and her husband acted during their time here was unacceptable and disrespectful to the extreme, but my mom and I were both there and we have no hard feelings against her. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, so maybe our time apart has healed those wounds. Maybe I am just willing to forgive because she is my sister and I love her and that is what a big brother does.

This post has gone on long enough but I just wanted to make mention of a new album that just came out from a group known as Them Crooked Vultures. Composed of Dave Grohl of Foo Fighters game, Josh Homme from Queens of the Stone Age, and John Paul Jones from Led-goddamn-Zeppelin, their self-titled debut is one of the best albums I have heard this year and I would say any year. There is not a bad song on there, and I have included my favorite song of theirs (along with 11 other nifty tunes) to the right. Give it a listen, and if you like what you hear check out the whole thing. I rarely feel so strongly about entire albums but this one is just solid on every level.

It’s funny that, even with a large amount of games slipping to early 2010 to avoid being obliterated by the big one, there is still plenty of gaming to feast upon this season.  I do enjoy a full plate (in more ways than one) but it can be overwhelming.

I’ve been dipping my toes into Borderlands this past week, and despite the myriad of issues it carries on the PC (shitty Gamespy connectivity, being a console port, and having unskippable intro movies) it is still immensely fun, especially in the co-op.  The hunger for bigger and better guns is ever present, and I find myself loading the game up just to see what stores can offer me in a fire sale.  Been very lucky in that regard, got some nice deals.  Right now I’m rocking a six-shooter that fires bullets made of acid which makes the whole game feel like some kind of crazy futuristic western, equal parts Trigun and Fallout.  The story is basically nonexistent but everything else in the game is so solid and engaging that it can be forgiven this flaw.

I also started into The Ballad of Gay Tony, the second and final downloadable episode for the Xbox 360 version of Grand Theft Auto 4.  It is simply more GTA4, and if you somehow didn’t enjoy the game before this won’t change your mind.  I’ve always found it to be immensely entertaining though, so I will take any excuse to play more of it.  It’s a shame this is the last they’ll do with it, but it is ending its download run on a high note so no complaints there.

Next week brings two equally anticipated games: Dragon Age and Lego Rock Band.  Having to choose between these two is like fucking Sophie’s Choice, if the choice were picking which child to play with now and which to play with later instead of picking which will die.  I will probably go with Dragon Age because LRB is little more than a content pack which can be had at a later, more appropriate price.  But goddamn does it have some good songs in there.

Lastly, L4D2 looms on the horizon and by all accounts looks pretty bitchin’.  I still need to work out a 4-pack deal with people so if you want to set up something with that let me know.

The other day my grandmother had a fainting spell, the second in about 4 days.  A visit to the doctor indicated that it wasn’t a small stroke or anything of the kind, so that’s relieving.  Still, I wonder if this is just the signs of old age beginning to crack through her otherwise stoic attitude.  Yes, she is 90 and she looks it, but I mean damn the woman can still get herself up and make her own coffee every morning.  I suppose it’s just a reminder that she’s as fragile as anyone, and even more so considering her circumstances.  I cannot picture her dying because to me she is made of iron and is a badass like most elderly people.

I was surprised to hear of a party at Rogehaus from Adam, then just as equally disappointed to hear I had forgotten to be invited, probably to everyone’s benefit.  A depressing thing, to be sure, but luckily a few days later this depression vanished as the Vanguard reconvened and we all got back in our collective saddles in the town of Moonstair.  For a long while I thought of the Nentir Vale as the entire “universe” of the game.  in such a way that if we went too far north or south we would hit an invisible wall, like in a regular ass video game.  When the idea of crossing over the ice wall was first suggested it seemed ludicrous to me; that’s not on the map, I thought, so we can’t go there.  But here we are and now we find ourselves in stranger areas still.  I mean, the feywild?  That is amazing to me.  Where can we go here?  Well, Ponydreamland, but I mean actual places.  I suppose there really is no limit to where our journeys can take us, which makes the world seem much bigger.  I had heard whispers of getting together online so as to make games more frequent, which would be agreeable to me if we could all manage to get in a voice chat together.  I look forward to seeing how this unfolds.